The passing of an old friend......

I am grappling with the fact that an old friend of mine committed suicide.  We all hung out in a group in our mid 20's, all friends, all having fun....we all kept contact through the years through each other, and she was very close to another one of our group, so we all kept up with each other....but obviously not enough.

Life had never been easy for her, but she was a beautiful, vibrant and outgoing woman.  She was 42 years old when she decided that life was just too hard.  Life was just too hard.  She was 42.

She organized everything methodically before she passed.  Nothing left to chance, even found a new home for her dog.  She spoke to one of our group, never mentioned a thing.

Now she is gone.  It makes my head spin.  Even though we were not in contact at the time of her death, which I now sincerely regret, I cannot help but think of her and her big laugh back in the day.

Why does she now haunt me?  I feel so bad for her that she was in such a place that she felt that this was the only answer for her.  I am so shocked that it had come to this.

It has also made me realize that life is so short and you just have to go for it.  Who cares if you fail? Whatever you dream, go for it, take life by the balls and say "yeah honey, lets go", because you may not have tomorrow.......I am going to live for the dream, enjoy my life, every minute and go for it because my friend is not here to do it, lost her dreams and herself too.....somewhere along the way.

Been gone a long time....

I used to Blog a lot, but stopped just due to time and not having enough of it....but lately with all that is happening in my life and how busy I am sometimes I just need an outlet....so I have decided to write again....with all my family on the other side of the world and my closest friend, the one I truly trust with anything I tell her, living in Singapore, sometimes I feel very isolated and alone with my thoughts and feelings......even though I am married to a wonderful man, not everything can be understood or shared by him....nor do I expect him to understand how I feel about being so far from my family, especially my niece and nephew whom I do miss as I am not getting to see them grow up.....I think that fact that I have my own son, now makes me realize just what I am missing with them.  It is tough not having any of my own blood here, no sister to go sit and have a chat to, a coffee with, a whinge with about things, small things that sometimes only sisters get.....I do miss her.  My older sister particularly.  And it is not the same over the phone.  Sometimes you just want to drive over and hang out and pot some plants, fold some clothes, just be together and laugh about stupid things.........I have been in the US now for 12 years and I have found it hard to find true friends, I have other women who we talk and share play dates or horse stuff with, but true honest to goodness friend?  No.  It is not easy.

A sad loss and a happy win......

Well the weekend was bitter sweet.  On Friday, I woke up to find that a Coyote had broken into my ducks pen and killed my ducks.  Well it killed two, and the third I found hiding, and beaten up so badly that I had to take her to the vet and have her put to sleep.  I was so upset.  Still am.  They were my pets, silly as it sounds, but I raised them from being a month old, and I tended to them every day, twice a day, and they were very tame and liked our company.  They sat outside our back door all the time, and hung out with us while we were outside.  It is just the way that they were attacked that gets me the most.  It makes me feel like I let them down and did not protect them for a predator that I did not know we even had.  Apparently, Coyotes are prevalent in South Jersey, are very cunning and brutal killers who kill to kill.  They will break into any kind of pet pen and kill the pets for the sake of it, including puppies, kittens, ducks, chickens, foals, calfs, etc.  Awful bloody thoughts.  

So hence to say that Friday was a horrid day that I had to just get on with, my hubby was really upset too, knew I was mortified, so he came home early to take care of my son so that I could get my shit together and get to the barn so that we could truck the horses to the horse park for the show.  So that is what I did.  My friend, who I trucked with was lovely and supportive, being a huge animal lover herself, completely understood how I was feeling.

Saturday rolls around and Tee is on fire.  No joke.  Crazy.  I took him for a walk and he was so over excited with all the absolute chaos of the event.  Horses, people, noise, everywhere.  He was rearing and tearing around in circles on his lead rein.  Snorting and carrying on....I thought to myself, "Interesting, I have to ride him in an hour".......

So, when I got on him, I took him into the "warm up" arena, with about 30 other horses, no bloody joke.  Tee nearly had a melt down.  Well, he did.  He just did not know what to do with himself.  He went into a bucking fit that I thought, at one stage, was going to get me off.  I thought I might actually come off him.  But I didn't and we just walked around and finally he started to relax after about 45 very tense minutes.

So, when I got him into that dressage arena, for my competition, I knew I either had to ride this horse, hard, or just quit and go home.  And I am no quitter, as you all know........so I pulled him together and rode my horse.  And he pulled it together and just said "OK mummy, here we go"....and he knocked it out of the park.  

I could not believe, when they posted the results, that we won.  In fact, I could not find my name, and said to my friends, one of whom came second, that I could not see my name......I was not looking at the top of the list!!!!  So funny!!!  To say I was stunned into silence is an understatement.  I did not know what to say.  I was so shocked.  And so happy.  

This was the biggest show we have ever shown at.  Huge.  Major Judges.  Very important event in our world.  So I am thrilled with my guy and it was a wonderful lift emotionally to the awful way the weekend had started....

I came home and my hubby and son had made a huge banner and hung it in the garage for me to see as I drove up....so lovely.  

I have a huge week, with lessons and training etc.  But it is all starting to pay off.  Slowly but surely.  

Our ducks....RIP.  We miss you guys every day....Sorry we let a nasty get to you.  I hope you are out there swimming around in heaven having a great time in a beautiful pond.

A day at the office.....

You know my son is now nearly 3, and he has started Pre-K.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done, teaching him that I will be back, and we slowly transitioned him into it and it is only half days and it is only 3 days per week, but my goodness how it broke my heart that he cried so hard.

I knew that once he got used to things he would be fine, which he now is as he bounds out at noon ready to take on the world, full of excitement about his morning and full of stories, but oh, the journey to get him there absolutely broke my heart for several days.

I mean BROKE it. I was sobbing.  Sitting in my car sobbing.  Wondering how this is good for him????

Now that we have worked our way through that, and I see how he loves making friends, how he is part of what is going on, how he is becoming more social and outgoing, I know that I did do the right thing and I just had to work through the tough times.

I keep telling my husband I work, every day.  It may not mean go to an office and it may not involve working for a "boss", but I do work.  At the house, at our home, at my dressage business, at giving riding lessons and of course, and not least, at being a mother, the best possible mother I can be.

And it is not always easy, some days are just brutal as your heart breaks and tears stream down your face......but then, a new day dawns, and all your hard work pays off as you wave goodbye to your little one, and with a smile on their face, they wave goodbye to join their friends.......

Now I do consider that a job well done and a good day at my office.

Under the Radar......

There is something to be said about operating under the radar.

I have had the experience lately of people getting into my business and my life and trying to cause trouble, strife and just be generally nasty.  It is getting boring and tiring.  I don't get into other peoples lives, I am not that interested to be honest.  I don't go behind people's backs and do and say nasty things, try to undermine them or create trouble.

For some reason, the dressage world in South Jersey, is full of these types of people.  I moved here from New York a year ago, my horse, until then, was always boarded up in Northern New Jersey, where I just never really was involved in any kind of behavior like this.  We just got on with training, showing and practicing and practicing. Everyone doing their thing.

So I am ducking back down under these people's radar, where I am happier, where I am not distracted by their constant chatter.  I don't want them to know anything about me.  I have adjusted my FaceBook page so that only my "friends" see me, not everyone.  I have edited my Friends list - imagine that??  If you have said something about me that is not nice, you are out.  What I don't get, is how these people can think I don't know???

I am done with all this nonsense.  I am done with these people.  Time to regroup and refocus.

It is funny how we slowly let this stuff seep into our lives.....

Trying to get things going....

I am a bit of a go getter - I defo do not hang around and wait for someone to do something or wait for something to come to me.  I am a firm believer that if you want to do something you had better get off your butt and just go and get it done.  I don't like to stand around and "talk" about things to death, if you want to do it, just do it and stop talking about it.  Kinda gets on my nerves.

This is probably both a good thing and a bad thing.  Good because I just go and do stuff and get on with it and bad because I think it irritates those that would like to just stand around and talk about things, and not really get on with it.

I also don't like waiting around for other people to make their decision about if they are going to be involved in something or not.

Anyway, in other news - we have qualified for the Championships this year - which is nice - so Tee and I are headed to them in September.  We have a very busy September showing.  There are a bunch of shows we are going to never mind the Keuring Tour for Catalina - the other horse I have in training.  The Keuring Tour is a big event for the Dutch Warmbloods.  She is competing for her Dressage Certification - and the Iron Springs Cup.  So to say we are working hard at the moment is an understatement.....

My little boy really really wants to help at the barn - he is completely horse mad and it is both endearing and sweet and terrifying.  I have to make sure he is involved but out of harms way all the time and that is a very fine line and quite difficult to manage....but we do it.  He is very good at doing what he is told around the horses.....but he is never out of my sight....and safety ALWAYS comes first.

So off to the barn we go, for another training session......in the heat and the humidity......

In the peak of show season.....

Me and my beautiful horse, competing.....

We are in the peak of show season - training 6 days a week.  I am riding two horses and teaching a couple of others as well.  It is very hard work, especially in this heat.  We have so many shows coming up.  But it is all good and I am actually getting to do what I love.  It is hard to split my time up effectively between being a mummy, a wife, running the house and riding and showing.

That is the one thing I do struggle with, making sure that during the day, after the 3 or so hours at the barn that I do spend some special time with my son.  He is with me at the barn and he has a ball, but I feel like my attention has be diverted, which it has, and he is as good as gold, so I feel that I he deserves a good dose of mummies attention, undivided.  So I am very adamant about that.  My little guy is an outside kid, loves to be outside, so whatever we do, it is invariable outside.

My business is up and running.  Which is great - I have to say I love to teach.  It is very rewarding.  Watching and helping new riders is wonderful.  In my world, everyone wants to teach the "upper levels" of dressage and I love to teach the beginners.  So many people say to me that they "wouldn't know where to start" and their "kids are dying to learn"....so that is what I do.  I try and be very approachable and make it not so intimidating, which the world of dressage can be......

Oh and now we have 3 ducks in our backyard......yes, 3 ducks.  We got them as ducklings at Easter for my son, and now they are grown and they seem to have stuck....thankfully we have the room - 2 acres, so they are free to wander around, they are pets now really.....people must think we are mad as they drive by our home and there are 3 ducks wandering around the yard!!!!!!!!

Life lessons...

I have not blogged for a while simply due to time, but I have to say that lately I have been surprised by people's behavior, good and bad....

But the wonderful thing is that I have found some great new friends that I have stumbled upon and we are all close with the same goals in mind when it comes to our horses and riding....that we support each other in our endeavors....which is lovely and unusual in the dressage world. You really have to filter out the nonsense and just get on with your own thing....people love to intervene, stick their noses where they don't belong, and generally are a pain in the butt....

A wise rabbi once told me, and I am not Jewish,but this was back in my Wall Street days, that "you should mind your own farm"......there are a few people who need this advice....

Cheers.

I am now a business...

Yes, I have been remiss writing my blog...

But life is just so busy.

I am now a Dressage business.  Lessons, horses in training....very exciting.

I now have two horses to ride and so 3 days a week I ride two horses and 3 days a week I ride one.  I try and have one day off.

I am constantly running around, doing chores around the house, going to do activities with my son and then riding....

If I want to be good, I have to ride.  A LOT.

I have to spend a lot of time in the saddle, and riding different horses is great for me.  Of course, all of this is under my wonderful trainers......who I adore.

My horse, Tee, has come so far in 2 months it amazes me.

We now have a new gal in town, her name is Catalina, we call her Cat, and she is the other horse I now ride.

So my business is born, a website, a bank account, a business address.  All official.

The nice thing is, I can take it slowly, so that even though I am building it, it does not interfere with my No. 1 job, being mummy to my little guy, who today told me that I was his best friend.

Nothing beats being told that.  Nothing.

Love.

Never a dull moment......

I honestly do not know where the time goes or how people have time to blog every day.

I just don't.

I am running around all the time at the moment.  Today I actually have time to just sit for a little while before we head out to the barn, so that I can ride Tee and then teach a lesson to a student, who has her horse at my barn for a couple of days......

This is the horse I found for her.  She is a magnificent mare, 4 years old and just a fantastic mover.  It will be interesting to see how she goes over the next few months.  I am excited equally about the horse and my student.  Lets face it, the better they both go, the better for my new business.

You are only as good as your students, if you are teaching. So this student has to do well.  It is fun to teach and show someone the ropes too....never realized how much I would enjoy it.

My guy is coming along very well - he is just really kicking himself into high gear.  Our next show is on July 10th.  It will be interesting how he goes.  We are not doing a huge show season, just want to get him out now and then and see how things progress with his tension.

I am horse obsessed at the moment.  I cannot help it.

Actually I have been horse obsessed since I was about 5.

Once you are bitten by the bug, you are done.  Nothing you can do.  Obsession becomes normal.

Anyway gotta run, time to go ride the ponies....give them some love......and practice, practice, practice.....

And then practice some more.....

No matter what, he loves...he forgives....he is there...always...

No matter what, he comforts....

And sometimes a soft nose against a soft cheek, just says it all.....

No one ever told me.....

My little guy has a friend, a little friend who is a girl.

And she came to the barn yesterday - and it was delightful.  The little girl is also horse mad.

My guy was the king of the barn as far as he was concerned.  Showing her around....

So sweet to watch them together.....my son is so loving and gentle.  Sometimes how laid back and sweet he is bothers me.....I get concerned he will get pushed around as he gets older and goes to school.....he is not a pusher or a shover, he does not rip toys out of other kids hands......he gets very concerned when another kid hurts themselves, and hates when a baby cries.....

No one ever told me how much I would want to protect my son when I was pregnant, or how you worry yourself about how to arm him with inner strength, and self assurance.....no one told me how I would fret if another kid does not talk to him......he does not understand that at all.....

No one told me how it just tears your heart....how much you love your kids.  How you would do anything for them....how they come first....how they just adore you and love you and how precious they are and how easily you can screw all this up.....how careful you have to be with these little hearts.....these little people as we shape them to get out in the world.......

Gosh Gosh Gosh

Where do the days go???

I have to say I am pretty impressed with how my horse is coming along.  He has really settled into his new home and seems very happy and relaxed.....

We are working really really hard.....practice practice practice.....one step forward, two steps backward....but we are getting there.....

I watch my trainer and how he just sits in the saddle beautifully, even when a youngster is doing his best bucking bronco act to get him off.....he remains calm and just carries on like nothing happened.....I am sure the horse is thinking to himself "well OK then....THAT didn't work.....all that effort for nothin!!!".....

I gave my first lesson on Saturday and loved doing it.  I sincerely hope that I am able to pass on some of the knowledge I have learned in the past and am learning currently and help this rider get on the road to the dressage world......it would be nice to watch her get out there and compete and be bitten by the bug....

I really hope to do more lessons, and teach more students everything I am being taught.  Help them find their dressage partner...being a horse, if they don't have one.....and get out there and have a blast competing and learning.......

But today I am off to the barn to practice myself......to work on all the stuff me and my partner have to work on....to strive for that perfection that we look for each day.....the seat, the gaits, the movements.....to sweat and work our butts off....

All so that we can do the same thing again tomorrow.........

Get out there and get amongst it people....it is a beautiful day!!!!!

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