The passing of an old friend......

I am grappling with the fact that an old friend of mine committed suicide.  We all hung out in a group in our mid 20's, all friends, all having fun....we all kept contact through the years through each other, and she was very close to another one of our group, so we all kept up with each other....but obviously not enough.

Life had never been easy for her, but she was a beautiful, vibrant and outgoing woman.  She was 42 years old when she decided that life was just too hard.  Life was just too hard.  She was 42.

She organized everything methodically before she passed.  Nothing left to chance, even found a new home for her dog.  She spoke to one of our group, never mentioned a thing.

Now she is gone.  It makes my head spin.  Even though we were not in contact at the time of her death, which I now sincerely regret, I cannot help but think of her and her big laugh back in the day.

Why does she now haunt me?  I feel so bad for her that she was in such a place that she felt that this was the only answer for her.  I am so shocked that it had come to this.

It has also made me realize that life is so short and you just have to go for it.  Who cares if you fail? Whatever you dream, go for it, take life by the balls and say "yeah honey, lets go", because you may not have tomorrow.......I am going to live for the dream, enjoy my life, every minute and go for it because my friend is not here to do it, lost her dreams and herself too.....somewhere along the way.

Been gone a long time....

I used to Blog a lot, but stopped just due to time and not having enough of it....but lately with all that is happening in my life and how busy I am sometimes I just need an outlet....so I have decided to write again....with all my family on the other side of the world and my closest friend, the one I truly trust with anything I tell her, living in Singapore, sometimes I feel very isolated and alone with my thoughts and feelings......even though I am married to a wonderful man, not everything can be understood or shared by him....nor do I expect him to understand how I feel about being so far from my family, especially my niece and nephew whom I do miss as I am not getting to see them grow up.....I think that fact that I have my own son, now makes me realize just what I am missing with them.  It is tough not having any of my own blood here, no sister to go sit and have a chat to, a coffee with, a whinge with about things, small things that sometimes only sisters get.....I do miss her.  My older sister particularly.  And it is not the same over the phone.  Sometimes you just want to drive over and hang out and pot some plants, fold some clothes, just be together and laugh about stupid things.........I have been in the US now for 12 years and I have found it hard to find true friends, I have other women who we talk and share play dates or horse stuff with, but true honest to goodness friend?  No.  It is not easy.

A sad loss and a happy win......

Well the weekend was bitter sweet.  On Friday, I woke up to find that a Coyote had broken into my ducks pen and killed my ducks.  Well it killed two, and the third I found hiding, and beaten up so badly that I had to take her to the vet and have her put to sleep.  I was so upset.  Still am.  They were my pets, silly as it sounds, but I raised them from being a month old, and I tended to them every day, twice a day, and they were very tame and liked our company.  They sat outside our back door all the time, and hung out with us while we were outside.  It is just the way that they were attacked that gets me the most.  It makes me feel like I let them down and did not protect them for a predator that I did not know we even had.  Apparently, Coyotes are prevalent in South Jersey, are very cunning and brutal killers who kill to kill.  They will break into any kind of pet pen and kill the pets for the sake of it, including puppies, kittens, ducks, chickens, foals, calfs, etc.  Awful bloody thoughts.  

So hence to say that Friday was a horrid day that I had to just get on with, my hubby was really upset too, knew I was mortified, so he came home early to take care of my son so that I could get my shit together and get to the barn so that we could truck the horses to the horse park for the show.  So that is what I did.  My friend, who I trucked with was lovely and supportive, being a huge animal lover herself, completely understood how I was feeling.

Saturday rolls around and Tee is on fire.  No joke.  Crazy.  I took him for a walk and he was so over excited with all the absolute chaos of the event.  Horses, people, noise, everywhere.  He was rearing and tearing around in circles on his lead rein.  Snorting and carrying on....I thought to myself, "Interesting, I have to ride him in an hour".......

So, when I got on him, I took him into the "warm up" arena, with about 30 other horses, no bloody joke.  Tee nearly had a melt down.  Well, he did.  He just did not know what to do with himself.  He went into a bucking fit that I thought, at one stage, was going to get me off.  I thought I might actually come off him.  But I didn't and we just walked around and finally he started to relax after about 45 very tense minutes.

So, when I got him into that dressage arena, for my competition, I knew I either had to ride this horse, hard, or just quit and go home.  And I am no quitter, as you all know........so I pulled him together and rode my horse.  And he pulled it together and just said "OK mummy, here we go"....and he knocked it out of the park.  

I could not believe, when they posted the results, that we won.  In fact, I could not find my name, and said to my friends, one of whom came second, that I could not see my name......I was not looking at the top of the list!!!!  So funny!!!  To say I was stunned into silence is an understatement.  I did not know what to say.  I was so shocked.  And so happy.  

This was the biggest show we have ever shown at.  Huge.  Major Judges.  Very important event in our world.  So I am thrilled with my guy and it was a wonderful lift emotionally to the awful way the weekend had started....

I came home and my hubby and son had made a huge banner and hung it in the garage for me to see as I drove up....so lovely.  

I have a huge week, with lessons and training etc.  But it is all starting to pay off.  Slowly but surely.  

Our ducks....RIP.  We miss you guys every day....Sorry we let a nasty get to you.  I hope you are out there swimming around in heaven having a great time in a beautiful pond.